Love in the 21st Century
The 21st century has possessed its own difficulties in regards to love, marriage, family, and friendship. It does not take a considerably astute eye to perceive the fear that one lives in today, especially regarding safety and well-being. In the 21st century, we live more in fear now than ever before. As a matter of fact, The 21st century began in fear before it even started. First, it was introduced to the world by the Y2K (Year 2000 bug) hysteria. After, the Calamity of 9/11 occurred which altered society, how we live, and our relations with other countries forever. A few years later, we experienced the 2008 economic crisis, which demolished the capacity people have in trusting institutions, and by implication, others. Afterward, the hysteria of the 2012 End-Of-The-World belief permeated society, having burgeoned in society a few years prior. Advancing further, we reached the infamous Covid-19 pandemic that conditioned us to be suspicious, weary, cautious, untrusting, and distant from other people and those we love, not only creating ‘social distance’, but also ‘emotional distance’ as well. In 2024, we also saw the attempted assassination on President Trump’s life during the July 13, 2024 Rally. Currently, in 2024, we face another economic crisis caused by inflation, plunging everyone into a ruthless survival mode, compelling individuals to prioritize their own security at the expense of others, regardless of the consequences. We currently live in a state of fear: Fear of others; of institutions; of foreign nations (and their nationals); and even of our own family members.
Dating has, naturally, been implicated as well. The capacity to open up to others and allow oneself to become vulnerable and become intimate emotionally has been severely debilitated and undermined. Everyone is either in a state of offense or defense, both states counteracting the other. In 2022, there was 1 divorce for every 2 marriages in the United States (Loo, 2023). The ability to love and be loved has been implicated in a manner that is irrevocable and undeniable. Even more concerning is the fate of the intimate relationships of children who are growing up in this world and will eventually become adults. Is it any surprise that women complain of chivalry being dead and men complain of feminine devotion being scarce?
Another question, perhaps more prudent and tangible to answer than the one before, would be: “Is it any surprise that people are divorcing when we are less inclined to trust and others are more inclined to betray?” The fear that another will abuse one's kindness affects many relationships in the present-day. How then can one know when to marry someone if one can hardly discern when another is truly in love with them?
The most grand and absolute demonstration of trust and surrender unto another person is the decision to marry. Marriage, despite what is popularly contested, is more than just a simple piece of paper. It is an economic, spiritual, emotional, and psychological agreement of partnership, devotion, and commitment. Hence, why infidelity is criminalized in 17 states – It is the transgression of a contract which encompasses several elemental aspects in the life of an individual that, when disturbed, alters the well-being and lifestyle of the partner (or often both parties) in ways that are irreversible so long as they shall live. Now, certainly, there are worse betrayals than the disrespecting of the conjugal bed. It is precisely the fear of these more severe betrayals that persist as independent fears within the minds of most individuals: The taking of one’s child to another country; Utilisation in order to climb the socioeconomic ladder; The usurpation of one’s business; Stealing premarital goods; Humiliation; Physical abuse; And Sabotaging Personal growth, among others.
We hear about this happening with great frequency, for it is precisely these stories which draw the most attention and popularity on social media and entertainment television. Why is it so? Perhaps by reading the story of a celebrity affair scandal, an individual sympathizes more with them and in turn, feels less vulnerable about themselves. An alternative position could be that by understanding what happened to another person, one can understand themselves and, in turn, protect themselves from a similar fate. Journalists, news reporters, politicians, social media marketers, and salesmen love using fear. It is the key to the heart of any person. Why, you may ask? When one is in fear, there is nothing in the entire planet that can console them, except one thing: A sense of safety. When you can sell, advertise, market, or politicize a sense of security and safety, you have won the heart of your listener. People now are thus living in an ocean of fear and are in more need than ever before of a trustworthy sense of safety.
Now, having said all the aforementioned, I ask you, dear reader, what can be more safe, more reassuring, and more comforting than the authentic promise and love that another person has to offer? A love that is selfless, devoted, and mutually enriching? Even stronger still is the reassurance one feels when one is married to an individual with whom one can share these feelings with. In other words, someone who you know will nurture you economically, spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically. Now, how do we arrive at this point? And once there, how do we know that the person we are with is the right one to espouse?
Love is strong. However, it alone does not suffice for a marriage – or any kind of relationship, for that matter. To consider marriage, one needs to consider the reliability and dependability of the other person, among other factors we shall explore here.
The Psychological Impact of Fear on Relationships
When we enter an adult relationship, we do not typically enter spotless and without emotional wounds. Everyone has a story, and in all stories there are obstacles, losses, and tribulations. Unfortunately, these wounds have ramifications which manifest almost always with individuals who had nothing to do with their causation. These ramifications many times manifest as the following:
Jealousy: Unresolved past experiences can lead to excessive jealousy, even when there is no real cause for concern.
Trust Issues: Previous betrayals or disappointments can make it difficult to trust a new partner fully.
Paranoia: Fear of being hurt again can result in paranoia, causing constant suspicion and anxiety about a partner's actions.
Frustration: Emotional baggage can lead to frequent frustration, both with oneself and with one's partner, due to unmet expectations or misunderstandings.
Controlling Behaviours/Thoughts: A desire to prevent past hurts can lead to controlling behaviors, as one tries to manage their partner's actions to avoid perceived threats.
Insecurity: Low self-esteem and self-worth issues from past experiences can manifest as insecurity, making one overly dependent on their partner's validation.
Defensiveness: Past hurts can make a person more defensive, reacting strongly to perceived slights or criticisms.
Fear: Emotional wounds can create a fear of getting too close, leading to a reluctance to fully open up and be vulnerable.
Distrust: Constantly being on the lookout for signs of trouble, making it hard to relax and enjoy the relationship. In addition, you are more than likely to behave in a way that is conducive to conflict when you behave in like manner.
Emotional Withdrawal: To protect oneself, a person might emotionally withdraw, creating distance and avoiding deep connection.
All of these are projections of past experiences onto the present. Dear unknown friend, if these behaviours sound like you or the person you love who experience these, it is likely that there is unprocessed pain that requires release. When individuals enter relationships or persist in relationships that contain the aforementioned, it is often better to either decide to postpone the unification of two people or decide to part ways while one or both of the partners work on themselves. Being coupled in this situation often (though not always) causes more injury than blessing. This is because pervasive fear affects one's ability to trust others, including romantic others. This fear inhibits one’s ability to develop trust. Trust requires being vulnerable and allowing another person to respond with security and reassurance. If someone is scared of being vulnerable, they prevent intimacy and trust from developing.
Societal fears have also lead to emotional distancing, even among close family members and friends. Beginning with The Pandemic, we were conditioned to not only distance ourselves from people, but also those we love the most – Paranoiacally distrusting and doubting those we love with thoughts such as: “Are you sure you’re not sick?”; “Are you sure you haven’t been around anybody?”; “I don’t want to be around her. God knows if she even wears her mask or washes her hands.” People were likewise conditioned to view those they do not know as careless, ignorant enemies who can so easily disperse their sickness and death to others due to their lack of concern with just a single cough.
If you want to know who your partner truly is, simply observe them when they are stressed. When people are stressed, they’re true, raw, uninhibited nature is released. The psychological filter that represses all our dark, undesirable, and shameful emotions is brought down in those moments and exposed. The economic crisis that has surged since 2020 and the consequent inflation has put everyone in stressful situations. The repercussions of inflation are felt by everyone. That is why, unknown reader, so many familial, relationship, and friendship conflicts manifested during the pandemic and afterward. The problem is not that nobody loved each other. The problem is, rather, that nobody loved in the first instance. Once discomfort settled, disquiet was kindled and it only required a drop of water to shatter a cup. I have seen, in recent times, more instances and cases of men and women testifying against an ex-partner who utilized them for financial or social gain. Is it any surprise then, dear reader, that love in times of distress is never a good idea?
The Importance of Vulnerability & Intimacy
Now what do we do? By becoming conscious of these things, we can prevent projecting blame and anger onto romantic partners and take properly constructive action. In other words, we can prevent being in a state of offense and/or defense. In today's world, many individuals enter relationships in a state of offense or defense. This defensive posture is often a protective mechanism developed from past hurts, betrayals, and the pervasive societal fears that we face daily. When both partners are entrenched in such states, it creates a barrier to genuine connection and understanding.
Being in a state of offense means one is overly sensitive to perceived slights or criticisms, often reacting aggressively to protect oneself. Conversely, a state of defense involves being overly guarded, avoiding vulnerability to prevent potential harm. Both states are detrimental to the health of a relationship as they prevent open communication and breed mistrust. Often, one partner is on the offense (typically female or the feminine communicator) and another partner is on the defensive side (typically male or the masculine communicator). These defensive states lead to several challenges:
Miscommunication: Defensive behaviors can cause misinterpretations of intentions and words, leading to unnecessary conflicts.
Lack of Trust: Constant defensiveness can erode trust, making it difficult for partners to rely on each other.
Emotional Distance: When partners are always on guard, emotional intimacy is sacrificed, leading to feelings of isolation and loneliness within the relationship.
To counter these challenges and foster a deeper emotional connection, couples must embrace vulnerability. Here are strategies to help couples open up and create a space where emotional intimacy can thrive:
Open and Honest Communication: Encourage transparent conversations where both partners feel safe to express their thoughts, feelings, and fears without judgment. This openness helps to dismantle defensive barriers and builds trust.
Active Listening: Practice active listening by giving full attention to your partner, acknowledging their feelings, and responding with empathy. This validates their experiences and fosters a deeper connection.
Share Personal Experiences: Sharing personal stories, including past traumas and victories, helps partners understand each other better. This mutual sharing builds a foundation of trust and intimacy. This is called Self-Disclosure.
Express Gratitude and Appreciation: Regularly expressing gratitude and appreciation for each other reinforces positive feelings and strengthens the emotional bond.
Embrace Vulnerability: Understand that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. Being open about your fears, hopes, and dreams allows your partner to see your true self and fosters a deeper connection.
Create Safe Spaces: Dedicate time to be with each other in a safe, comfortable environment where both partners can relax and be themselves. This space can be physical, like a cozy corner of your home, or emotional, like a designated time for meaningful conversation.
Seek Professional Help: If past traumas or deep-seated fears are too challenging to navigate alone, seeking help from a therapist or counselor can provide the necessary support and guidance.
Practice Patience and Understanding: Building emotional intimacy takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you navigate this journey together.
Create Rules and Establish Expectations: Without proper structure, the relationship can collapse on itself. Create rules and expectations regarding conflict resolution.
By overcoming defensive states and actively working towards building emotional intimacy, couples can create a relationship that is resilient, fulfilling, and deeply connected. Vulnerability and intimacy are not just desirable traits but essential components of a healthy, loving partnership. In a world filled with fear and uncertainty, these qualities provide a sanctuary of trust and love, enabling couples to thrive together. If couples can successfully achieve this, they can be sure that they are establishing the foundations for a healthy relationship and marriage. If these skills and rules can be established as early as possible, the future of the relationship will become even brighter. Before deciding to marry, the couple should be confident in their ability to implement these skills. Notwithstanding, it is never too late to implement these – no matter if you have been married for 10 years.
The Role of Marriage as a Sanctuary of Trust
The establishment of marriage involves the establishment of trust. Marriage is often viewed through the lens of societal expectations or as an imprisonment. It’s true essence, however, goes beyond these expectations by a vast degree.
Earlier in this article, I stated that marriage was a contract. However, it is much more than this. Marriage is also a covenant between two people. It is an oath and a promise to protect, care, and love one another in this life and the next for all eternity. It is a promise made not only with one’s heart and mind, but also with one’s soul. Understanding the profundity of this commitment is a significant part of the answer to the question: “Should I Get Married?”
As a couple, two people should understand the significance of one another, have shared meaning, shared sense of purpose, and a sense of irrevocable trust and appreciation. Before you say “Yes, I do.”, you must be able to answer the question “Do they love you?” with the same amount of certainty and confidence.
Before your marriage, as well as during, you must feel that your partner supports your dreams and cherishes them as if they were their own. If this is not the case, then I would suggest that you reconsider your partnership. A grand portion of loving someone is wishing for their growth. If your partner diminishes, ridicules, is jealous, or even sabotages your life plans – it is best to acknowledge the blood on the wall and heed the warning signs, for what awaits you in marriage is the stuff of nightmares.
If however, dear reader, your partner and yourself are trusting, mutually enriching, loving, and committed, you shall find that marriage augments these feelings significantly. Marriage offers unwavering love, irrevocable support during life’s challenging moments, and emotional security. Likewise, it offers psychological peace, knowing that you are with the person designated to you by destiny and that you are living in accordance with your true self.
The aforementioned section has clearly exposited how, and in what manner, marriage is so much more than “just a piece of paper”. Opposing viewpoints may argue that these sentiments can be felt and expressed in a partnership and do not require the bonds of Matrimony. I have, nonetheless, never heard these words expressed by someone who has been married before and I contest based on the opinion that these individuals have nullified their sentiments to the point where a seemingly profound bond can be made with any person. And if one person fails, they can simply jump to another, usually readily available. The types of connections these people have are, for thus reason, banal and grey. I warn any of my readers against regarding these comments as infallible proclamations. We have all heard the story of the person who took advice from the wrong person and paid the consequences dreadfully.
Deciding to Marry: Key Considerations
The decision to marry goes far beyond Social Security, Taxable Income, Interest, and Tax Deduction. It involves profound discernment. Additionally, it requires a personal confrontation with ourselves. Before one decides to even consider the possibility of marriage, one must review the following dimensions of the relationship:
Emotional Maturity: Emotional maturity is the foundation of a stable marriage. It involves the ability to understand and manage one's emotions, communicate effectively, and handle conflicts constructively. Partners should be able to support each other emotionally, demonstrate empathy, and be willing to grow together. Reflect on whether you can navigate challenges together without resorting to blame or withdrawal. Whenever there are emotionally challenging moments, the emotionally immature persons
Financial Stability: Financial stability is another critical aspect of readiness for marriage. This does not necessarily mean being wealthy but having a clear understanding of each other's financial habits, debts, and financial goals. Discuss your budgeting practices, spending habits, and savings plans. Being on the same page financially can prevent future conflicts and provide a solid foundation for your married life.
Life Goals: Aligning on life goals is essential for a harmonious marriage. Consider your career aspirations, desire for children, lifestyle preferences, and other long-term plans. Ensure that your goals are compatible and that you are both willing to support each other in achieving them. Having open discussions about your future can help you understand if your paths align.
Compatibility and Shared Values
Compatibility and shared values form the bedrock of a strong marriage. Evaluating these aspects can help determine if your relationship is built to last.
Values and Beliefs: Shared values and beliefs are crucial for a unified approach to life. These might include religious beliefs, moral principles, and views on important issues such as family, work, and community involvement. Discuss your core values and ensure that they align, as differing values can lead to significant conflicts over time.
Future Aspirations: Beyond immediate life goals, consider your long-term aspirations. This includes your vision for retirement, plans for personal development, and dreams for the future. Aligning on these aspirations ensures that you are working towards a common future.
Daily Compatibility: While shared values are important, compatibility in daily life is equally crucial. Consider your lifestyle preferences, such as how you like to spend your weekends, your approach to household chores, and your social habits. Ensuring that you can live together harmoniously day-to-day is vital for a lasting marriage.
Premarital Coaching: Premarital coaching is an invaluable tool for couples preparing for marriage. It provides a structured environment to address potential issues and ensure both partners are aligned in their expectations and commitment.
Steps to a Fulfilling Marriage
In a world often dominated by fear and uncertainty, cultivating a marriage based on love and trust can be a profound source of comfort and strength. Building a fulfilling marriage requires both partners to engage in selfless love and devotion, while also balancing emotional connections with practical considerations. Dear unknown friend, before you consider marriage, consider the following first – whether your relationship bears the following characteristics or not:
Selfless Love and Devotion
Selfless love is the cornerstone of a successful marriage. It involves putting the needs and well-being of your partner above your own. As a matter of fact, this is the definition of love itself. Recall parenthood – If a child of yours, who you endlessly love and adore, needed a lung, at once you would dare to carve out your own chest and trade yours for his. This is, indeed, the most certain definition of love. Selfless love creates a nurturing and supportive environment within a relationship, also called “Relationship Culture”. In a previous article on Jealousy, I wrote about how relationship cultures are the norms and standards within relationships that determine what is normal and what is not. In a partnership with a relationship culture of selflessness and sacrifice, one can be certain that marriage will only deepen this bond even more. In a marriage, selfless love means being attentive to your partner's needs, desires, and aspirations. It requires active listening, empathy, and a willingness to compromise. This form of love fosters mutual respect and deepens the emotional bond between partners.
Mutual Enrichment
Love is good when it elevates, not when it debilitates. When you are in a relationship with someone, and rather than it consisting of loving sacrifice, it consists of one-sided benefit, it is not sacrifice – It is vampirism. Rather than both partners sacrificing pieces of themselves for the betterment of the whole, one person is sacrificing and the other is benefitting. When both partners are committed to enriching each other’s lives, however, the relationship thrives. This involves encouraging each other's personal growth, celebrating successes together, and providing unwavering support during challenging times. A marriage rooted in mutual enrichment and devotion becomes a partnership where both individuals feel valued and empowered. Demonstrating devotion can be as simple as performing small acts of kindness, expressing gratitude, and consistently showing appreciation for your partner. These gestures reinforce the emotional connection and convey a deep sense of love and commitment.
Balancing Love and Practicality
While emotional connections are vital, practical considerations are equally important for a stable and fulfilling marriage. Balancing these aspects ensures that both partners feel secure and supported in all areas of their lives.
Financial Stability
Financial issues can be a major source of stress in a marriage. Openly discussing finances, setting joint financial goals, and creating a budget together can help prevent misunderstandings and ensure financial stability. Transparency and teamwork in managing finances strengthen the trust and partnership in the relationship. When people argue about money, they are typically not arguing about the money itself. Rather, they are arguing over what the money means to them. Discuss with your partner the significance of money in each others lives, what it means to one another, and how both of you can consolidate conflicting (or harmonious) beliefs.
Shared Goals
Aligning on shared goals is crucial for a harmonious marriage. This includes not only financial goals but also career aspirations, family planning, and personal development. Regularly revisiting and adjusting these goals as a team helps maintain a sense of unity and purpose. Relationships change, evolve, and grow over time. Conversations that were had 6 months ago may not be the same as they are presently or 6 months from the present. It is prudent to revisit important topics to assure that needs and values are met and harmonious. This is the best way to prevent conflict, especially over little things.
Balancing Responsibilities
Sharing responsibilities, whether it’s household chores, childcare, or career-related tasks, ensures that neither partner feels overwhelmed. Clear communication and cooperation in managing daily responsibilities contribute to a balanced and supportive partnership.
Conclusion: Reclaiming Trust and Love in Modern Times
In an era marked by societal fears and uncertainties, rebuilding trust and reaffirming the power of love is essential for creating strong, enduring relationships. By focusing on trust and selfless love, couples can navigate challenges and find comfort in their partnership. In order to do that, premarital couples can perform the following:
Rebuilding Trust: Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Rebuilding trust, especially after it has been compromised, requires effort, patience, and consistent actions.
Open Communication: Honest and transparent communication is key to rebuilding trust. This involves being open about your thoughts and feelings, addressing issues directly, and avoiding secrets.
Consistency and Reliability: Trust is reinforced through consistent actions and reliability. Keeping promises, being dependable, and showing up for your partner builds confidence and security in the relationship.
Forgiveness and Understanding: Rebuilding trust often involves forgiveness and a willingness to move forward. Understanding each other’s perspectives and showing empathy can heal past wounds and strengthen the bond.
The Power of Love
In the face of fear and uncertainty, authentic, selfless love provides a sanctuary of safety, reassurance, and comfort. Authentic love empowers couples to face challenges together, providing a sense of stability and resilience. It encourages partners to support each other through difficult times, creating a strong, united front. A marriage built on selfless love and trust becomes a safe haven where both partners feel valued and protected. This sanctuary allows individuals to be their true selves without fear of judgment or rejection. Regularly reaffirming your love through words and actions reinforces the emotional connection. Simple gestures of affection, acts of kindness, and expressions of gratitude keep the flame of love burning bright.
Love and trust are the pillars of a fulfilling marriage. By embracing selfless love, balancing emotional and practical considerations, and actively rebuilding trust, couples can create a strong, resilient partnership.
In an uncertain world, the power of authentic love offers a profound sense of safety, reassurance, and comfort, enabling couples to thrive together.
Cited
Loo, J. (2023). Marriage rate in the U.S.: Geographic variation, 2022. Family Profiles, FP-23-23. Bowling Green, OH: National Center for Family & Marriage Research. https://doi.org/10.25035/ncfmr/fp-23-23.S., 2021. Family Profile, FP-23-02. National Center for Family & Marriage Research. https://doi.org/10.25035/ncfmr/fp-23-02
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